About Me
I'm a Melbourne boy, hailing from St Kilda with one ex, one current wife and four kids. Love the outdoors and making new discoveries. I cook a lot at home (cheers from wife) and do some preserving, mostly jams, pickles and fruit liqueurs. This is the diary of a cooking journey.

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Thursday, July 20, 2006
Flying High
Here in Australia we are very proud of our national carrier, Qantas airlines. Not only is Qantas the only word with a q but no u, it is also the only international carrier never to have had a plane crash, well that's what an autistic Dustin Hoffman said to Tom Cruise in Rain Man when Tom wanted to choose a plane flight for the both of them. Maybe if they read the following, they might have had a rethink.

Subject: Qantas Good Ones

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
  posted at 10:02 am

At 6:50 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you know humor is the highest for of intelegence?
I'd say these are really smart mechanics or they have a really good/smart writer.

At 8:25 am, Blogger Gigi said...

I love these guys! Can't we just let them fly the planes? Or at least sit next to me on my next overseas flight.

Qantas doesn't have a U? See, now that just looks so wrong... ;D

At 11:57 am, Blogger neil said...

Hi tanna, it seems like they are smart enough to keep their feet on the ground while the planes they are fixing are flying all around the world. Maybe they know something we don't!

Hi gigi, everytime they got up, you would wonder if they were going for a parachute.

You're right, it does look so wrong!

At 8:05 pm, Blogger Jeanne said...

Hahahaha My favourite is "engine found on right wing after brief search". Fantastic :-)

At 3:21 pm, Blogger neil said...

Hi jeanne, I just keep thinking of the midget looking for his hammer, lol.

At 5:44 pm, Blogger Niki said...

Hehehe. That one's good, but it was never written with Qantas as the subject - but a domestic US airline. Somebody's evidently having a bit of fun with Qantas!! ;-)

At 4:58 am, Blogger Shell said...

P: ribs broken due to laughing
S: flowers and home made chocolates provided (delivered by Q)

Oh my!! What a brilliant read!

At 8:07 am, Blogger neil said...

Hi niki, you caught me! I can't help but have a laugh at what I know are apocryphal emails. I bet there is someone in Latvia reading the same one right now, with their own airlines name inserted.

Hi shell, glad you liked it. Hope the ribs are getting better and you are not feeling too guilty from eating chocolates in bed!!!

At 8:07 am, Blogger Reb said...

Quick And Nasty, Take A Ship :)

At 10:15 am, Blogger neil said...

Hi reb, I did once, but it only went to Tassie!

At 9:17 pm, Blogger Ruth Daniels said...

Thanks for the laught - it's a great way to start a day.

At 9:24 am, Blogger neil said...

Hi ruth, no problem, glad you liked it.


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